I am pretty slow getting around to this but I think its about time I sit down and write about one of the most amazing days of my life. The day my son was born...
I was about 38 weeks along and my midwife told me she was pretty sure I was not going to go past my due date of March 8th. I was planning for an early delivery for this boy because I was also planning Jeremy's surprise 30th birthday at the time. His party was set for the 22nd so I was really pressed for recovery time before his party but I thought there was no way I would go past my due date this time since I was doing ALL of those labor inducing activities... special tea, leg/foot massage, pressure points, yoga ball exercises, spicy foods, driving on bumpy roads, and of course walking...lots of walking. You name it I tried it. I was determined to go into labor on my own instead of being induced, like I was with Hadley. I went into my midwife with a hopeful heart on March 24th (I think) but I was only at a whopping 3. I was happy my body was dilating at all since it did not with Hadley but seriously a THREE, I was not ok with this information. I had the midwife strip my membranes the following week hoping that would move things along. I was getting really stressed out about the surprise party and lets face it I make HUGE babies so I knew he was not getting any smaller in there. I continued my labor activities but now I was was not so sure they were doing any good.
My Due date came and went and I was starting to believe I was going to have to be induced again and I was VERY unhappy about that. I had another Dr. appt on March 10th. I went in to the Dr. office with a hopeful heart that I would be making great progress. I was day dreaming they would tell me to go straight to the hospital to check in. The midwife checked me and while she was checking me I was thinking "this has to be it, I bet I am at a 7 and I am going straight to the hospital to get this baby out". Then midwife then told me I was at a 4. Sigh. A flipping 4 I was so frustrated at my body. I felt like screaming at my body "why will you not dilate!!!" I had her strip my membranes again. She kept telling me everything looked great and she felt like she might see me in the hospital that night. I was appreciative she was trying to keep my hopes up but I only had 6 more days before they were going to induce me and it just did not seem likely my body was going to do this on its own. I again went home with a heavy heart but since my time was running short and this surprise party was quickly approaching I knew I had to keep trying to get this kid out. I asked Jer if he would go on a long, brisk walk with me and he of course was willing. We set off on a 2.5 mile walk that I was hoping would at least cause some contractions. There were a couple minor contractions but nothing like I was hoping for. We got home and had a delicious Ribeye steak for dinner (I love that I married a man who likes to cook). I was just settling in for the night when my friend Yvonne (who knew how much I wanted this baby out) called me and asked if I wanted to go for another walk. I was really hoping to walk this baby out so I agreed and again we set off on another 2.5 mile walk. There were really no contractions this time so I was extremely disappointed. I had no contractions and I was now exhausted from walking my fat preggo self a total of 5 miles that day.
When I got home from my walk I decided to reward myself from all the walking with some delicious Fudge Sticks, a favorite during this pregnancy. I got in some comfy PJ's called one of my closest friends, Katy, and snuggled in to have some girl talk while I devoured my Fudgy treat. At 10:20pm Katy and I were just getting deep into the girl talk when suddenly I had a big contraction and what felt like the baby kicking downward with one leg with all his strength followed by a popping feeling inside. (I realize he was head down at this point and it was not him that kicked me but it was just what it felt like, its hard to describe). I was really enjoying my girl talk and fudgy goodness when this happened so I just chalked it up to a big contraction and continued on with my girly conversation. I was really into the convo so I didn't want to leave it but when I felt a warm gush of water I figured my water had broke and I should probably take care of that. I quickly told Katy what had happened and she excitedly wished me good luck and we hung up. I ran to the bathroom and texted Jeremy who was downstairs and said "can you come upstairs, I'm pretty sure my water just broke" he was upstairs with a panicked look on his face in about 3 seconds. We quickly called Yvonne over to stay with Hadley since she was asleep and we rushed to the hospital. I remember looking Jeremy in the eyes and just being so excited that we were about to meet our son! I also remember Jeremy being so worried every time we hit a red light or even the tiniest bump in the road he would look at me with this concerned look on his face and say "I'm so sorry, Im so sorry, are you ok?" his genuine concern was so endearing to me, it made me laugh and fall in love with him a little more simultaneously.
On the short 10min drive to the hospital my contractions were coming fast and hard and it was quickly becoming extremely painful. I was already excited to get my epidural and was hoping they would get it to me quick. We checked into the hospital about 10:45pm, and they must have been busy because the nurse (who was a pest control customer of ours...awkward) took FOREVER to check me. I finally told her I was at a 4 this morning at my Dr. appt and asked "do you think you should check me"? She replied "oh yeah if you were at a 4 we should probably do that" (In my head I was thinking 'seriously lady-I am ready for my drugs NOW'). When she finally checked me at about 11:15pm because I relentlessly kept asking about my epidural I was at a 8. As soon as she said 8 I just knew there would be no epidural and she did too. She still nicely tried to comfort me by telling me they would try to hurry and get things started but she and I both knew that it was not going to happen. I was terrified. Let me remind you my first baby was 9lbs 2oz and her head was in the 90th percentile so had a PTSD flash and I was really really really terrified of the pain that I knew was coming but at this point there was nothing I could do about it but wait...yikes.
After the news that I was at an 8 they quickly took me to the delivery room and called the on call Dr. to hurry down. I remember with Hadley they were telling me that if I felt like my body needed to push to just let them know, I never felt that sensation with Hadley so when they told me that this time I sort of dismissed it thinking 'my body doesn't feel that'. I was soooo wrong about that. I started feeling that urge and the nurses telling me to just breathe through it and to do whatever I had to not to push until the Dr. arrived. I remember sitting on the hospital bed holding Jeremy's hand and feeling unbearable pain but also laughing in my head at the really really weird sounds my body was uncontrollably making. I wish I were joking when I tell you I sounded like a dying cow but I genuinly did. I remember trying to stop making those crazy noises because I sounded ridiculous but as hard as I tried they just kept coming without any warning. I imagine those nurses were all talking and laughing in the halls together because I am almost certain the entire floor could hear my cow in labor noises. I almost wish I had a recoding of it so you could hear it, but then again it was one of those embarrassing things you kind of want to pretend never happened.
Finally the Dr. arrived (Dr. Hernandez) and came in and told me it was time to push! I was was first and foremost excited to finally be on the way to meeting the most handsome little boy in the world but a close second was that I was also going to be able to stop making that crazy noise and get this pain over with.
At 11:30pm I began pushing. I am sitting here in tears as I think back on the pain I felt but more so how the pain was so quickly and easily overshadowed by the love I overwhelmingly felt as I brought my sweet little baby boy into this world.
The pain was pretty much as horrible as I thought it would be without an epidural. After a couple of pushes I was making progress, but just as it happened with Hadley, he was stuck around my pelvic bone. After having the stressful long delivery I had with Hadley concern and pressure immediately set in for me. Something snapped in my head and I was consumed with fear that this delivery was going to go the same as my first. With Hadley the Dr. kept coming in and telling me I needed a C-section because Hadley was so big and she was stuck saying there was no way I was going to get her out. As soon as I heard the nurses say he was stuck, I immediately felt panicked. I had to hurry and get him out or they were going to give me a C-section. They moved me around to different positions and I pushed as strongly as my body would let me, but to me it still felt like it was not good enough and as the time passed I became more and more concerned that this was not going to happen naturally. Finally one of the nurses got a bar that goes above your bed that you put your feet on and they tie a sheet to it. They had me put my feet on the bar and hold onto and pull the sheet as I pushed. Im sure it looked pretty strange but it was very effective and things began to progress quickly.
I remember looking into the light that was on the ceiling, it was just reflective enough that I could see the beginnings of his beautiful dark hair. Soon after that I felt the worst burning feeling I have ever felt. I had heard of this from other women that had also not had an epidural and they referred to it as the 'Ring of Fire' I used to hear that phrase and just think of a classic Jonny Cash song, but now that phrase means something completely different to me. It is a burning that you can not describe and its crazy painful but I knew it meant I was very close to finally holding and meeting my handsome son. I only pushed for about an hour total but it all felt much longer than that. I remember a strange feeling of my stomach collapsing and the pressure releasing as the Dr. delivered my sweet boy. They quickly showed him to me and I could not believe what a big beautiful boy he was. I immediately felt that strong sense of pride that my son was the cutest little baby boy there could ever be and I just wanted to snuggle him! Jokes quickly filled the room of how big this boy was and bets were being made between the Dr. and nurses if he would be bigger than Hadley was.
I couldn't see much as the nurses and Jeremy surrounded him when they placed him on the scale but I heard everyones shock and Jeremy told me "you are not going to believe it babe but he is 9lbs. 10oz. and 20.5"long. Holy Moly thats a big baby. As the nurses hurried to check everything on my sweet baby, and Dr. Hernandez worked quickly to give me my stitches I remember my sweet husband coming over to me and with pride in his tear filled eyes he held my hand and gave me a hug and kiss on my sweaty forehead and told me what a great job I did and how proud and thankful he was to me for giving him another sweet baby. I cried through my puffy eyes and hugged him back thankful we were blessed with another healthy and amazing baby.
After a short time (that felt like hours) they brought my sweet boy over to me and layed him gently on my chest. There is absolutly no way to describe the overwhelming love you feel when you get to hold one of your children for the first time. I remember him blinking and looking at me for a short second before he fell asleep again snuggled on my chest. I felt what I can only imagine The Grinch felt when his heart grew two sizes. A wave of love spread through my entire body and I couldn't believe how much I already loved this sweet boy and how I felt like I already knew him. My son. I just wanted to snuggle him forever. I finally agreed to give him to his Daddy so they could get me all taken care of.
When the Dr. got me all stitched up he came over to the side of my bed and kindly told me that I had done great and that everything looked good. I remember trying to blink to see him because I could barely see and what I could see I was seeing double. I thought it was just the tears in my eyes that were causing it and the fact that I was so tired. I thanked the Dr. for his help, and they brought my sweet little/big guy back to me. We snuggled skin to skin for a while and I fed him a little but he would not stop making little grunting and wheezing noises. I knew he must be exhausted so I just snuggled him and hoped it would help him fall into a more restful sleep. The nurse noticed his grunting noises and decided it was best to call up a nurse from NICU just to check on him because he could not seem to stop grunting and it had been about 2 hours.
The NICU nurse arrived and after a short time being in the room with him made the decision that he needed to go down to the NICU unit because she felt there could still be some fluid in his lungs and she wanted to make sure everything was ok. We asked for a moment alone before they took him down and the three of us stood there snuggled together as Jeremy gave our little baby boy a beautiful Fathers Blessing. The nurse came back in and after answering lots of questions for us she assured us everything would be fine and she took my sweet little baby boy away from me. I could not stop the tears and even though I knew everything would be fine I felt this horrible void from being separated from my baby. I could not stop crying. I knew everything would be ok but I could not stop the tears from coming and I knew I needed to distract myself until they called me and told me I could go be with my baby.
I cried until I felt like my body ran out of tears and decided I would take a second to wash my face, brush my teeth and just put myself together. I waddled into the small bathroom and looked into the mirror. What was staring back at me was unrecognizable. I looked like I had been in an intense fist fight and punched in the face repeatedly. My face was all puffy and my eyes were pretty much swollen shut. I looked as though I had an allergic reaction to something. The rest of my face was splotchy and red from crying so much. You could hardly see my eyes and what you could see was a bloodshot bright red color. I looked horror movie bad. I had pushed so hard I popped blood vessels in both of my eyes. My face was to say the least-disturbing.
I tried talking to Jeremy and just trying to rest after the delivery but I still could not shake that horrible void feeling. I missed my baby. My heart was aching and nothing could fix that until I got to hold my sweet little boy again. We walked to the recovery room and I just sat there waiting mindlessly listening to the nurse and Jeremy. I don't even remember anything that was said. I just felt numb to everyone and everything. I felt so lost. I just wanted my baby boy.
After what seemed like possibly the longest few hours of my life around 3:30am they finally called and told me I could go down to NICU to be with my baby. He was sleeping so peacefully when we arrived, just seeing him flooded me with life again. The numb feeling left me as quickly as it had come and I finally felt whole again. It was so heartbreaking to see my perfect little baby covered in wires and tubes but as soon as I held him on my chest the synchronization of our breathing seemed to make all of those wires disappear. I never wanted to leave this moment. It is one of those moments you want to bottle up and keep forever. Having your new little baby snuggled up on your chest while you breathe in that wonderful newborn smell is as close to heaven as I think we can ever get here on this earth.
It was a long 3 days in the NICU. I am very grateful for NICU nurses and their love and concern for my son, and even though the doctor and I disagreed on a few of the terms for being able to release my son from the hospital I am still so grateful for the knowledge and care the Dr's and nurses possess. We slowly weaned him from the oxygen tube and on March 15th we were finally able to bring Colton home to meet his big sister.
It felt so good to finally be home all together. Suddenly there we were a family of four. Two of the worlds most beautiful children, and a mom and dad that love them so much they would do absolutely anything for them.
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